Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s election campaign has been thrown into turmoil by renewed calls for a Royal Commission into his alleged 1978 slaughter of Nessie, the innocent feline companion of his then estranged lover, Fiona Watson.
With barely a week to go until polls open, Cats Against Turnbull, a “grassroots non-partisan alliance of cats and concerned citizens dedicated to justice for Nessie“, has revived the longstanding accusations against the Prime Minister, citing as evidence an apparently deranged love letter which Turnbull wrote to the cat after Ms Watson attempted to end their relationship.
The frenzied scribblings can be deciphered as such:
Tell you [sic] miss that I love her very much, tell her that when I came to see her on Sunday and she wasn’t there I cuddled you up and it broke my heart that it wasn’t her.
Tell her I know a lot about her current boyfriends will tell her not to see me, they will stroke her back and tell her to forget me.
But, Nessie, we know she never will and you tell her, my little cat, how much we were in love.
all my love
Merely days after this forlorn feline epistle was scribed, Nessie was discovered dead, allegedly either strangled or frozen. For years Mr Turnbull has attempted to suppress this information, suing journalists who have attempted to uncover the (potentially) horrific truth. When Canberra insider Annabel Crabb attempted to question him on the matter, he offered her the unconvincing defence that ‘no cat has died at my hands’.
Cats Against Turnbull appears to have support from across the political spectrum, with many of Senator Cory Bernardi’s blog followers expressing their desire for Feline Justice (alongside, in a somewhat contradictory stance, the prohibition of Canine Marriage).
Sources within Malcolm’s general proximity have told the Glocal Pundit that he appears gaunt and glaze eyed, and is having guilty flashbacks to the original incident. As a precautionary measure, his minders are allegedly keeping away from encounters with cats for the remainder of the campaign.
Tony Abbott was not available for direct comment, but his close confidant Twiggy Palmcock, respected pundit and CEO of Excretum Mining, described the allegations as ‘Classic Malcolm’ and ‘Something that Tony would never do’. Rumours of an Abbott counter coup in the days before the election are swirling. If true, then this will certainly be one cat that Turnbull will regret letting out of the bag.