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Abbott Apologises to Palmcock for Security Assault

Mining Magnate accepts PM Elect’s apology but wavers on accepting New York Consul-General position.

Glocal Pundit Intern Kitty St John reports, with embedded assistance from the Twiggy Palmcock Foundation.

Prime Minister Elect Tony Abbott has apologised to Mining personality Twiggy Palmcock for the assault he suffered at the hands of security guards during the pair’s onstage election night business meeting. Despite his intergenerational family friendship with the Abbotts, and much to the embarrassment of Liberal Party organisers, Mr Palmcock was mistaken for an intruder and forcibly removed from the Four Seasons Hotel.


‘Chinese Spy Attack’: Mr Abbott looks on with an expression of glazed shock, his daughters clearly distressed by the situation, as Mr Palmcock is wrongfully manhandled by private security guards

‘This is just outrageous treatment of a proud son of Liberal Party royalty. My grandfather Sir Robert Palmcock mentored Tony when he first entered parliament,’ explained a visibly upset Mr Palmcock outside the Four Seasons Hotel on Saturday night. ‘This is an international scandal launched by Chinese spies within the security forces to further their own mining interests, they even knocked over the flag as they did it, it was an Unaustralian attempt to disrupt a perfectly legal business meeting.’

When questioned as to whether it was appropriate for him to appear onstage alongside Mr Abbott’s family, Mr Palmcock defended himself adamantly.

“Look, Tony said that we’re open for business, and I took the cue”

‘Look, Tony said that we’re open for business, and I took the cue, it’s not Mandarin people, he was clearly inviting me to get up there and make the first business deal of his govermenthood [sic], and I’m never one to turn down a business opportunity.’

Mr Palmcock had run an unsuccessful campaign for the seat of Greenway with the Independent Palmer United Separatist Party, but had made an election night decision to return to his ‘spiritual home’ and attend the Liberal Party victory celebrations. Mr Palmcock confirmed he would be running with the Liberal party for the seat of Greenway in 2016, following Jaymes Diaz’s failed attempt to capture the electorate.

‘I think after Clive Palmer’s success my brothers in the Liberal Party realise its better to have us mining magnates urinating inside the tent rather than outside [sic], so I was very happy to accept their nomination for Greenway in 2016. I’m the best man for the job because I’m a working man and I know how it feels to live in Western Sydney,’ Mr Palmcock explained over a decaf skinny latte during his exclusive interview with the Glocal Pundit at a harbourside Mosman cafe.

Mr Palmcock also criticised mainstream media coverage of the event.

‘It proves more than ever that the Chinese funded Murdoch Eco-Terrorist Spy Press in this country have a raging left wing bias,’ he reflected while dining on a tastefully sized avocado panini, ‘I’ve heard all kinds of wild rumours since Saturday. They just try and misreprentiate [sic] these events for their own devious Climate automatarian [sic] ends. But I’m a climate septic and I can see through the lies.’


‘Intergenerational family friends’: Mr Palmcock announces his candidacy with the Liberal party for the seat of Greenway in 2016 as Mr Abbott’s family look on approvingly

Mr Palmcock went on to explain that Mr Abbott had apologised to him by telephone and promised an investigation into Chinese government infiltration of the security forces. During the conversation Mr Abbott reiterated his support for Australian mining magnate families in general and the Palmcock dynasty in particular. Both Mr Palmcock’s father Russell and grandfather Sir Robert made lavish donations to the Liberal Party during their lifetimes. It is believed that Mr Abbott, with the strong backing of his wife and daughters, has offered Mr Palmcock a three year stint as the New York Consul General in compensation for his mistreatment. Mr Palmcock is yet to confirm whether he will accept the offer.


2 thoughts on “Abbott Apologises to Palmcock for Security Assault

  1. Ha ha! Bracksie! Just goes to show you that Abbott knows his onions! Twiggy’s qualifications in mining and dining are obviously far more suited to that gig than yours. I mean you were a LABOR premiere! Sure you’ve had a few company directorships since then and people seem to like you but how could Tony appoint someone with your tainted past?

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