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Abbott’s “50 Shades of Grey” Fanfiction Threatens Campaign

Federal opposition leader denies that poorly written internet erotica is his work, despite links to his laptop’s IP address.

Online Intern Kitty St John reports.

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Tony Abbott’s seemingly inexorable path towards victory in the federal election has hit an eleventh hour setback, with the discovery of a series of rambling ’50 Shades of Grey’ fanfiction posts apparently written by the opposition leader on a popular online erotica website. When questioned by the Glocal Pundit Mr Abbott’s office denied any links, despite the publication of the documents being traceable to the IP address of Mr Abbott’s personal laptop.  For legal reasons the Glocal Pundit cannot reveal the host site, but a court injunction from the Liberal Party has been overturned preventing publication of the material itself.

The stories take E.L. James’s popular ’50 Shades of Grey’ as their inspiration, adapting the tale to an Australian setting. Mr Abbott has already expressed his appreciation of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in public, so it is no surprise that he took it as the starting point for his first anonymous work of fiction.

“The mans was very hronny and had the not bad looking dauhghters”

The majority of the works appear to be either deliberately poorly written, or created during a masturbatory frenzy, as can be seen in the passage below:

“The mans was very hronny and had the not bad looking dauhghters, but he only wanted womin of a more impregnantable age [sic]”

The numerous spelling and grammar mistakes make the plot frequently incomprehensible, but the story appears to reference Christian, the dominating male sex interest in E.L. James’s novel, and also the experience of stay at home mothers in the Eastern suburbs of Melbourne.

“Shee storked the iron longingly in her Malvern estate while wating for Christion to be come home and make her feel safe and sexxy like the 50s again”

In defence of his leader, Shadow minister for Dressage and Viticulture Christopher Pyne argued that the fanfiction merely demonstrated Mr Abbott’s ability to connect with the unconscious desires of Australian women.

“Look, it’s certainly not the kind of fanfiction I’d be writing, I’m more into the Mines of Moria, if you know what I mean,” chortled Mr Pyne at a pedigree dog show in the Adelaide Hills, “But what this does reveal is that Tony has an almost mystical ability to get inside the brains of the fairer sex and gauge their true fantasies.”

“Now bned over for your suppositery, housewife of Australia- sayed the dominat man”

E. L. James’s original work is famous for its usage of soft core bondage techniques, and Mr Abbott appears to try his own hand at this style in a risqué passage near the second chapter’s climax.

“now bned over for your suppositery, housewife of Australia- sayed the dominat man- sh*t will be happens in your mouth now. You will be on strict household budget and be my nomber one skinny bicth1 after these cuts- he sayeded in the sexey bedroom manner. Oh you are so austere and powerdfull, sex me now its ur man right- the female ejaculetered in submissory repnonse.”

However despite the titillating threat of non-conventional penetration, the series ends with more orthodox sexual interactions.

“Oh you bad boss, now you be my bad husband, becauase the badder you are the more I wnat you- she sayded as they agred to do no contraceptivals becauase even thoegh they were naughty they dindnt want to be sinning under Godd and olny had missionary sax with many vagnal cumms and payed maternty leeve for good flamly only”

While both Labor and Greens spokespeople condemned the fanfiction as alarmingly misogynist, polls are yet to show a dip in Mr Abbott’s approval.

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Bridget and Frances speak out: “It’s just Daddy’s cute little secret”

Mr Abbott’s daughters spoke to the Fairfax and News Corporation press earlier today and defended the stories as just another example of ‘Daddy just doing his creepy cute thing’, an answer which appeared to satisfy everyone.

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One thought on “Abbott’s “50 Shades of Grey” Fanfiction Threatens Campaign

  1. Aw this is shocking news. I loved that stuff. The spelling mistakes made me hot and sweaty. But now you tell me it’s Tony’s work I feel cheated and violated.

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