Glocal Pundit Intern Kitty St John reports
Insurgent Campaign: A Flyer Announcing Twiggy Palmcock’s Candidacy
Exiled mining magnate Twiggy Palmcock made a spectacular return to Australia today, announcing his candidacy for the marginal seat of Greenway as a representative of the Independent Palmer United Separatist Party. Mr Palmcock, who had previously sought asylum in Sri Lanka to escape alleged persecution from the Rudd government, was in a bullish mood upon his arrival at Sydney Airport. Brushing off the sex charges laid against him by former Mining Minister Martin Ferguson, Mr Palmcock declared that he would be launching an ‘insurgent’ campaign against the Palmer United Party candidate for Greenway, Jodie Wootton.
Ms Wootton had earlier defeated Mr Palmcock in an internal preselection battle, prompting Mr Palmcock’s faction to split from the Palmer United Party. Despite his close personal relationship with fellow magnate Clive Palmer, Mr Palmcock has now founded the Independent Palmer United Separatist Party to support his rebel campaign. He has also accused Ms Wootton of witchcraft, and attributed her preselection victory to her circle of fellow occultists within the Palmer United Party.
‘I love Clive to bits, but sadly, he has fallen under this woman’s spell,’ Mr Palmcock said, his voice straining with emotion, ‘I’m just saying, on the imperial [sic] evidence available, it would appear that she dabbles in witchcraft. I mean, she runs a “Virtual Bookkeeping Company”. You join the dots.’
In a campaign visit to Blacktown Shopping Centre, Mr Palmcock announced an ‘Eight Point Plan’ for Greenway.
‘The Liberal candidate Jaymes Diaz only has a six point plan to stop the boats, and can only remember one at a time. I’ve got an eight point plan to stop lots of things,’ Mr Palmcock explained to a multicultural audience of shoppers.
‘I want more than just real solutions, I want final solutions for Australia’
‘I want more than just real solutions, I want final solutions for Australia,’ Mr Palmcock continued.
‘Point one: More borders for a better Greenway. I’m not going to let Jaymes Diaz’s Green Army invade Greenway, that’s just not the Greenway way. Two: refugees down the mines. Three: end suppositories for clean energy. Four: gas for Greenway. Five: ease the cost of the pain of living. Six: no more cafes for greenway. Seven: we need to ditch the witch, and I’m not talking about Julia Gillard, who’s already been ditched, but my opponent Jodie Wootton, who actually is a practicing witch’