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More Ferguson Sex Claims, Sri Lankan Monks Bash Palmcock

Ferguson elaborates on sex charges as Mining CEO is hospitalised after attack by Buddhist vigilantes.
Asia intern-at-large Kitty St John reports from Colombo;
Additional reporting by Harry Simian, 
Glocal Pundit’s Melbourne Street-Scene correspondent.


‘Wrongly Accused’: Mr Palmcock’s Assistant Michael Higgins-Beaumont with Mr Ferguson during the alleged ‘Heavy Back Petting’ Incident.

Former Federal Resources Minister Martin Ferguson spoke publicly for the first time today about the sex charges he has laid against renegade mining magnate Twiggy Palmcock, who successfully claimed asylum in Sri Lanka earlier this week. In another startling development, Mr Palmcock has been hospitalised after being heavily beaten in an attack by a group of vigilante Buddhist monks.

The brutal attack came as the federal government increased its pressure on Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa to extradite Mr Palmcock to Australia to face trial. In a Press Conference outside his electoral office on High Street, Northcote, Mr Ferguson went into great detail regarding his allegations against Mr Palmcock and his employee at Excretum Mining, Michael Higgins-Beaumont. Mr Ferguson’s characteristic lack of consonants made his speech rather difficult to understand, but he appeared to be asserting that Mr Higgins-Beaumont had ‘caressed’ and ‘heavily petted’ his back during the launch of the Energy White Paper in November of 2012.


‘Erotically Humiliating’: Mr Palmcock with one of the masks allegedly used to ‘destabilise Mr Ferguson’s sexual identity’

Mr Ferguson also claimed that Mr Higgins-Beaumont wore a mask resembling Mr Ferguson during the incident, which caused a deep ‘erotic humiliation’ by ‘destabilising [Mr Ferguson’s] sexual identity’.

‘Palmcock and his minion are clearly in league with the hairy legged femocrats who tried to emasculate me when I was in the union movement’

‘Palmcock and his minion are clearly in league with the hairy legged femocrats who tried to emasculate me when I was in the union movement,’ an increasingly irate Mr Ferguson argued.

Mr Ferguson appeared ready to elaborate even further, but his conference was cut short by the opening of ‘Holy Flying Peace Crepes’, a new vegan crepery/transcendental levitation centre opposite his office.

‘Industrious and nimble’: Mr Palmcock at the Festival of Mineral Extraction, with a troupe of child mine workers

Sri Lankan Defence Minister Gotabaya Rajapaksa, brother of President Mahinda and a key power broker in the government, laughed off the sex allegations.

‘So Twiggy’s friend gave this Ferguson fellow a friendly back rub, what’s the big deal? Our soldiers got up to far more than that during the war and I don’t see anyone filing charges here…’

But the Defence Minister was less jocular about the armed attack on Mr Palmcock, expressing deep regret about the incident. The beating occurred during the festival of Mineral Extraction. Mr Palmcock had been in high spirits, showing off his troupe of government supplied child mine workers, who he had praised as ‘industrious, nimble and immaculately dressed’.

Mr Palmcock at the Festival of Mineral Extraction in the moments before the monks attacked him. Note the baleful glare in the eyes of the monks as they approach.

It was at this moment that a gang of twenty or so young monks descended upon Mr Palmcock, knocked him to the ground and hit him repeatedly with sticks. Bodu Bala Sena (BBS), a powerful Sinahlese Buddhist Nationalist organisation, has claimed responsibility for the attack, releasing a statement declaring Mr Palmcock to be a ‘foreign Christian exploiter of the Buddhist masses.’ The BBS has carried out similar attacks on Sri Lanka’s Christian and Muslim minorities with increasing frequency during recent years. Mr Palmcock remains in a critical condition in hospital.


One thought on “More Ferguson Sex Claims, Sri Lankan Monks Bash Palmcock

  1. Jesus! Bloody religious nutters. Is there no respect anymore for those like Palmcock who use their wealth to improve society with more employment, more goods, more things for us all to buy. I hebeby call on Rudd and Ferguson to remove their embargos, taxes and charges and safely bring Palmcock back home where he can use his wealth for the benefit of all Australians.

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