breaking news

Mining CEO Twiggy Palmcock Seeks Asylum in Sri Lanka

Magnate claims to be fleeing ‘Rudd’s Tax Persecution’.

Glocal Pundit’s Asia based intern Kitty St John brings you this exclusive report.

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Twiggy Palmcock, the maverick CEO of Excretum mining, has been granted asylum in Sri Lanka this week, after claiming that the Rudd Labor government was persecuting him due to his profession. After disappearing mysteriously in the immediate wake of Kevin Rudd’s return to the prime ministership, Mr Palmcock has now resurfaced in the Sri Lankan capital of Colombo.

Looking dishevelled and comparatively thin after spending over three weeks on a small fishing boat, Mr Palmcock accused the federal government of a vicious ‘War on Miners’.

‘Even after it was defanged by Gillard, the Mining Tax still caused a lot of psychological trauma to underprivileged minority groups such as Australia’s mining magnates.’ Mr Palmcock said during his exclusive interview with the Glocal Pundit.

‘When Rudd stabbed his way back to the top, I knew the tax violence was only going to get worse again.’

After an emergency cabinet meeting, Mahinda Rajapaksa’s government agreed to fast track Mr Palmcock’s asylum claim and give him permanent residency. Some of Palmcock’s critics in Australia have declared it ironic that he would seek asylum in a country with Sri Lanka’s human rights record. Rajapaksa and his government have recently come under sustained international criticism for alleged war crimes during and after the country’s 26 year long civil war.

In 2009, Sri Lankan army forces comprehensively defeated the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE), with hundreds of thousands of predominantly Tamil civilians becoming trapped in the war zone between the two forces. UN officials have estimated that more than 40,000 civilians died during this period. Figures are impossible to verify due to the secrecy surrounding the end of the war, but Human rights organisations attribute many of these deaths to the bombing of non-military targets such as hospitals, and the disappearance and summary execution of unarmed prisoners.

The pressure on the Sri Lankan government has increased in the lead up to the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting, to be held in Colombo in November. The Canadian government has threatened to boycott the event, citing human rights violations. The Australian government has declared it will attend the meeting and continue to work closely with the Sri Lankan government to deter  asylum seekers from coming to Australia by boat.

When questioned as to why he had sought asylum in a country which has been accused of persecuting its own asylum seekers, Mr Palmcock launched into a series of non sequiturs reminiscent of his mentor and fellow magnate Clive Palmer.

“… the Sri Lankan government might have killed 50,000 people, but the Australian government tried to steal nearly one per cent of my income, so I think we know who the bigger criminals are”

‘Look, the Sri Lankan government might have killed 50,000 people, but the Australian government tried to steal nearly one per cent of my income, so I think we know who the bigger criminals are. Why do you think Rudd and his lackey Bob Carr want to make such great friends with supposed Sri Lankan war criminals? It’s not because they want to stop the boats, it’s because they feel guilty themselves about how they’ve treated me and Gina and the other blokes.

Despite these complaints Mr Palmcock remained optimistic about the future.

‘President Rajapaksa’s been really generous to me,’ he explained, ‘He already invited me to the Sri Lankan Festival of Mineral Extraction, and has offered me a gem mine to run up in the highlands. And the great thing about this place is the cheap coloured labour. Those greedy Australian workers could learn a lot from the industrious little brown children over here, it’s inspiring stuff.’

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2 thoughts on “Mining CEO Twiggy Palmcock Seeks Asylum in Sri Lanka

  1. Just flipping through your so called art pages (I’m an art critic by profession) and came across this disturbing report. While mining is out of my league, I do know something about tax and money. I sympathise with Mr Palmcock. It’s another example of how the Labor government is anti-business and stifling initiative. Thank God that come September the conservatives will undo every damn communist stunt the Gillard-Rudd governments have performed and get this world’s best country back on track. Don’t despair Twiggy, there’s still plenty of coal left in those NSW valleys.

  2. Absobloodylutely! It’s a disgrace the way moral relativism has been allowed to obscure the real victims of Rudd’s reinstatement. All the crocodile tears from bleeding heart liberals and chardonnay socialists about illegal boat people are just rubbing salt into the would of people like Twiggy and Gina. I mean who has put more into Australia than them? Of course, I mean that economically – obviously they’ve had to take an awful lot out of Australia to do that. Anyway you get my point.

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