The world has been shocked today by not only the death of Baroness Margaret Thatcher, but of her ideology too. A chorus of the former British prime minister’s acolytes from across the globe have announced that with their leader’s death, their economic and political project has been rendered meaningless. Current UK Prime Minister David Cameron, flanked by current Labour leader Ed Milliband and former Labour prime minister Tony Blair, was particularly sombre as he announced the immediate dismantlement of free market capitalism in Europe.
‘Without Margaret’s iron fist holding us altogether, it’s just not worth it anymore,’ Cameron whispered as both Milliband and Blair sobbed quietly, ‘The Conservative Party will now revert to accepting all the basic principles of the welfare state, including free universal health and education. The age of austerity is over.’
In the United States, the twin loss of both Thatcher and former Republican President Ronald Reagan has devastated conservative politics. Republican elder statesmen John McCain and Ron Paul announced at a joint press conference this morning that the party would now officially dissolve into a set of five splinter groups, the John McCain led Moderate-Conservative Party, the Ron Paul led Libertarian Party, the Mitt Romney led ‘Wall Street First’ Party, the Michelle Bachmann led Party for the Restoration of the Kingdom of Christ on Earth and the Herman Cain led ‘We are not stupid’ party (sic).
President Barack Obama has taken advantage of the disarray amongst his enemies to ram a series of bills through congress nationalising all major US corporations and converting the entire US electricity system to worker-run renewable energy.
‘They called me an eco-communist,’ the President announced this morning in a PBS interview surrounded by former members of the Black Panthers and the Weathermen Underground, ‘Now I will prove them right!’
In China, Thatcher’s death has prompted a leadership spill and the dramatic return to power of Bo Xilai, someone that most Western readers will never have heard of because they are racist and ignorant. Xilai has announced the restoration of Maoist principles in government and a new era of socialist democracy in the rising Asian economic power house.
In India and South Africa, the ruling Congress Parties have immediately ceded power to local autonomous networks such as the Naxalites of Orissa and the Zabalaza Anarchist Communist Front of Johannesburg.
‘We are mere hand puppets of Global capitalism,’ mumbled octogenarian Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh during his resignation speech this morning, ‘We never thought we’d be able to keep up the mask of the deception this long, but with Margaret gone, there is no point pretending we know what we are doing anymore. The whole economic system has imploded in on itself already and we don’t have a clue how to fix it. So sorry for the oppression and thanks for the lols.’
“So sorry for the oppression and thanks for the lols.”
Singh then gave a cheeky – if slightly rueful – smile, and left the stage.
In Australia, the consequences of Mrs Thatcher’s death have been no less extreme, with Prime Minister Julia Gillard declaring that the Labor Party would now return to its socialist origins and that feminists would no longer have to pay lip service to the Baroness as some sort of role model. The Greens went a step further, announcing their mass resignation from parliament to join the armed resistance against all state power.
‘With Thatcher’s death the scales have been lifted from our eyes’, bellowed Greens leader Christine Milne in a Youtube clip from her underground headquarters in the forests of Tasmania. ‘The degenerate neoliberal state is incapable of responding to the upcoming ecological crisis. I don’t know what we were thinking, wasting our time trying to push through insipid reforms like the carbon tax and gay marriage. Only through the destruction of capitalism will we achieve liberation for humanity and the planet. Onwards to the future utopia comrades!’
In an exclusive interview earlier today, veteran New York Times pundit Thomas L. Friedman explained the uncanny collapse of Thatcher’s political legacy following her passing.
“As we all know from the history of Karl Marx and Marxism, or even Jesus Christ and Christianity, as soon as someone dies, their ideology dies too.”
Friedman then broke down on the floor and recanted his previous dogged faith in neo liberal economics.
Friedman’s incisive analysis explains why the political left, famous for its ability to resist celebration except in instances where it has won a decisive global victory, has responded so euphorically to today’s news.